As we all know, Kootenay Lake is home to some incredible wonders, but I think we can all agree that none are quite as wondrous as the western conifer seed bug. This creature is a true wonder of the natural world, and I'm sure that as scientists continue to study them, humanity will begin to realize its dreams of travelling across the stars. You see, I believe that the unique attributes of these smelly little bugs will help us to unlock the mystery of teleportation.
No, I'm serious. Think about it for a second.
There you are with a cup of tea in your easy chair, reading the paper. You glance up at the window, and on the other side of the glass, one of these little critters creeps with an almost prehistoric slowness. You return to your paper, read another sentence, then glance back up.
"Well, I'll be jiggered!" You exclaim. The little bugger is now on the INSIDE of the glass!
How could this happen? Teleportation is the obvious answer.
For decades scientists have been studying things like quantum entanglement. They've funnelled massive resources into developing fusion power and working out concepts like solar sails and ramjets and examining the science fiction idea of faster than light travel. But I believe that within the next decade, we'll discover that the most efficient way to fold spacetime is with the overlooked marvel of smell power.
Here on the East Shore, we are at the forefront of a revolution. Fossil fuels are out. Seed bugs are in. And the great thing is that we don't have to extract their sickly sweet essence to fuel our spacecraft because they ARE the spacecraft. Their apple cider smelling pheromone is space gasoline. It's intergalactic flatulence. And it's the smell of the future.
That's right. I'm talking about seed bug husbandry. No, no. Hear me out. If one seed bug can teleport through a half-inch of double pane glass, how far could a whole wagon team of them go if they were all lashed together? The western conifer seed bug may just be the draft animal that will take us to the stars. Hitch up six million of them to your La-Z-Boy and visit Kepler-34 for the weekend - a cool 4892 light-years away.
And I don't know about you, but around our place here in Boswell, we have at least six million in the woodpile alone.
But as with all cutting-edge technology, intergalactic seed bug transportation may have its hazards. For example, seed bugs manage to slip through solid glass and into our homes with no effort at all. But they're not the best at getting themselves back outside. Before you rig up your six million head of seed bug and head hell-bent for Proxima Centauri, recognize the fact that you might end up carrying your seed bugs all the way back home yourself. I'll admit, there might be some bugs that need to be worked out of the system.
But before you step on the next one, or flush her friend down the toilet, why not consider preserving this valuable resource as we face a brave new future. Let the billionaires play at getting into orbit with their little toy rockets. With the development of an East Shore seed bug ranch, we can open up the entire galaxy!